Samples from a few topics
Excerpt: Standing in the check out line at my local Safeway store I heard the voice of a little boy asking his father "Look Daddy, that man has
cotton in his ears. Why does he have cotton in his ears?" I heard a quiet Shh, from his dad. I turned around and noticed both of them quickly
look away. Then I realized it was the hair in my ears that got the little boys attention. It was that funny looking long white hair growing out of
my ear canals. Enough white hair to look like cotton to a little boy and probably to everyone else. Wonderful! I thought to myself. That’s just
where I wanted more hair to grow. Why not hair that grows wild and out of control from the bald areas on the top of my head? This is the very
same reason why I won’t take my shirt off in public anymore. There’s more hair growing from my back these days than on my head. I don’t
mind not being attractive anymore, but I sure don’t want to get attention by showing off the healthy wild crop on my back.
Excerpt: I think it was easier to reach people when we only had one telephone in our homes. One land line per house, but we didn't call them
land lines back then. The person you called would almost always answer, unless they weren’t home. Nowadays, everyone has a phone in their
pocket, but it’s harder to get a hold of them.
Excerpt: I thought we got rid of the old 35mm cameras years ago. I found out recently what happened to them. Urologists use them for prostate
exams. This exam reminded me of a terrifying scene from a science fiction thriller. I’ll never forget lying helpless on my back on the alien
examining table with a large bright circular light shining over me. Foreign instruments and needles were being inserted into my body parts
where instruments and needles shouldn't go. I carefully opened my eyes once, expecting to see the faces of Heinrick Himmler and Rudolph
Hess standing over me. I couldn’t tell. They were wearing masks.
Excerpt: A loss of hearing can also work to your advantage. Just think of all the mistakes you can make, or appointments and parties you can
miss by using your loss of hearing as an alibi. Oh shoot! I didn’t know your baby shower was on the seventh. I thought I heard you say the
eleventh. Maybe this is one of the reason why our kids text us more than they call us.
Excerpt: Halloween we get fewer trick-or-treaters every year. I think this is because we are getting older and maybe scare the kids away just
from our age and mannerisms. Maybe it was the Tums and Rolaids that got accidentally mixed in with the candy a few years ago.
Excerpt: Today I took down the original Chandeliers from the dining room and the front entry. I'm replacing them with fixtures more up to date.
Replacing the light fixture in the dining room was easy. Hanging the new fixture in the 12 foot high entry ceiling was a different story. A little
TOO high and out of my step ladder comfort zone. I tried putting the step ladder on top of a wheel barrow, on top of a garbage can, on top of a
lawn chair, on top of a table, and then stood on one foot while my other leg was stretched out to the side for balance. I still couldn't quite reach
the light socket with my right hand, while holding the new light fixture with my left hand. It was kind of funny looking all the way down to the
floor and seeing my little dog laying there. It was the first time I ever saw her with her paws over her eyes.
A few years ago I updated our kitchen with granite counter tops. Everything turned out fine, but it struck me kind of funny when I was looking at
a painting of how we think early cave man once lived. Studying the painting of a prehistoric era I saw something that looked familiar. It looked
like an extended family sitting around a large flat bolder and using it for a table. I wondered if we have really changed that much and has our
taste changed since early cavemen? It made me smile to think we call ourselves “Modern Man” when we’re eating off marble and granite
counter tops like our ancestors.
Excerpt: I have Laryngeal Dystonia. Translated: My voice sounds like someone is strangling me when I’m trying to talk. This also makes me
sound like I’m 90 plus years old. This is okay by me because this also gives the impression that my hearing is bad as well. Some of you have
already learned that this has some advantages. When a sales person or any stranger calls me, I like to have fun with it. I simply say “What?”
repeatedly every time they finish their sentence. For a variety, I’ll break it up a little by interrupting the caller with my “What?” while their still
giving their sales pitch. The caller doesn’t know I can hear them swear as the get frustrated with me for having them repeat their words over
and over again. The phone call usually ends with them getting fed up with me and just plain hanging up. That’s okay too because it’s worth the
The News Can Give You Ideas:
Excerpt: Watching all the news networks it’s hard not to get upset with the other party. No matter which political party you favor. It sure makes
it easy to feel like an authority on almost any topic. I told my wife last week that I wasn’t going to watch anymore local news. It’s the same
murder, robbery and car accidents as the week before. It’s beginning to seem like the movie “Groundhog Day.”
I’m now watching more national news. It has a broader cast of stars and characters than the local talent. However, to put it in movie terms,
even the national news airs its repeats. Watching the national news in winter is like watching the same news from the previous winter. Every
winter hundreds of thousands of our tax paying citizens go without power. I have an idea. Call me non-patriotic, or pro-government, or
whatever, but here's a thought: We could gather up all the military personnel stationed at over 900 military bases in over 120 countries and
send them home to work here for one month. Three weeks to bury every single cotton pickin' power line and cable, and not have to deal with a
loss of power every year. This wouldn't put a dent in our national budget; the service men and women are already on the payroll. Oh, and the
forth week they are back home they can use for R&R and spend their pay at home. This would also help further boost our economy. Besides no
longer having all our power grids at the mercy of nature, the aesthetic appeal alone would be worth it. Probably the biggest opponent to this
idea would not come any party in our Congress, but the nations that host our military. For the first time since 1945 they would now have to dip
into their own national budget to defend themselves from their neighbors, while our tax payers are home warm and safe from the elements. It
makes one wonder if today’s manufactures of utility poles have powerful lobbyist.
Excerpt: I found the Olympic sport that us seniors should sign up for. It’s a sport where our age is to our advantage: Curling! YES! Think of all
the years we're been practicing for this event and didn't even know it. All those years of sweeping the garage floor, the driveway, the patio, etc.
I know we can beat the younger generation. Just hand any of them a broom and ask them to sweep the floor. See what I mean? You’ll see total
confusion. Yes, I think we should form a team and sign up for the next Winter Olympics. Oh! I wonder if we could use our leaf blowers instead
of a broom.
Room Of The Future:
Excerpt: I figured out what the new room in future homes will be. First, a little history: Think back to 1988 when people started buying home
computers. Before we knew it, we were converting our spare bedroom into an office. A few years later, contractors started building homes with
an office. Back in 1988 we couldn't imagine how anyone could work ALL DAY in an office, sit in front of a computer, and then go home to
another office for amusement. Then we made our home offices as complete as any standard corporate headquarters, right down to the FAX
With the home office history in mind, and the fact that all of us "Baby Boomer's" are spending more time in the doctor’s office, I think I know
where we’re headed. I’ve decided to get ahead of the game. I’m going to have a doctor’s examining room right in my own home. Think of all
the new equipment, tools, and gadgets we can buy to complete our own home clinic. Just imagine the sudden new interest in medical supplies
when this idea gets traction. Similar to our home offices, I’m sure some of us will buy more equipment then necessary, if only to impress our
friends. In a short time, our own home medical clinic will be as complete as our doctor’s office. We could duplicate our doctor’s office right
down to the last detail, including a file cabinets containing our medical history. Think of all the medical related “stuff" we'll buy for our own
clinic for recovering from any outpatient procedure. We’ll be spending our time reading books like "How To Do Heart Bypass For Dummies."
Using Our Age As A Cover-Up:
Excerpt: Another excuse I'm starting to use, when I give the wrong answer…I tell them I thought I heard them ask me a different question.
Then I make up a question I thought I heard them ask, and of course it’s a question that would have made my answer correct. I just didn’t hear
their question clearly because of my senior hearing loss.
Immigration Reform By Combining Countries:
Excerpt: I wonder what would happen if we combined our country with Canada. I've jokingly told my Canadian friends that if Canada would
have settled in Mexico, where it's warm and sunny, I would have considered being a Canadian citizen.
If we did combine our countries maybe we could get their health care so more of our senior citizens could finally afford to retire. This would
also create job vacancies for our unemployed. Also, I always thought French, as a second language, was way sexier than our Spanish second
language. Aa! I like how Canada doesn't have to support 900 military bases in over 130 countries and is able to spend that amount back into
their own economy instead of foreign economies. Think ah-boot that. Well, keep your stick on the ice.
Canada Day is July 1, which could be combined with our July 4th holiday to make an extra long weekend. The same could be done with their
Boxing Day, which is the day after our Christmas. See where I'm going with this? I bet you don’t…just wait.
Seeing how Mexico is moving here anyway, we might just as well include Mexico in our AmeriCanIco. Plus, just think of all those Latin and
Mexican holidays there will be by 2025 when they make up the largest portion of our population. Great Point! I know all the Boeing,
government and bank employees would love combining all these holidays.
Is this still a good idea? No. This is only a good idea if you’re thinking in terms of a younger person who is not retired. For us older retirees this
would be disastrous. Holidays have now turned into days we have to compete with other drivers on our roads, more shoppers in our stores,
more golfers on our favorite courses, and more fishermen to compete with. Now that I’m old and retired, I say the less holidays the better for us
older people. For this reason alone I would never want to combine our country with any other country. Any additional holidays would be
murder for us retirees.
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